jdpower Funny Status Messages

   Lindsay Lohan's upcoming film could be derailed by her failed drug tests. That is, unless her acting gets to it first.

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   When there was only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was flying. What, you don't think Jesus can FLY??

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   I wanna be a workaholic.. but workahol tastes like sh!t

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   You work hard. You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference.. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   The unemployment numbers are twice as bad if you count people who describe themselves as "bloggers."

   Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.