huck Funny Status Messages

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   Please support our non-profit organization for terminally I'll witnesses and informers, Snitches Get Wishes.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   You like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Thus, this intervention.

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   I just spelled "diarrhea" correctly on my first try! I'd be more happy about this if it wasn't for all this diarrhea.

   How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.