Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO