SEDDY90 Funny Status Messages

   If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."

   Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate.

   Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence :)

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

   Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   when I die my gravestone is going to have a "DisLike" button before facebook does!

   I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp.

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a “no U-turn” sign in a dead-end street.

   Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..

   I Just Drove Like Six Miles With My Left Turn Signal On...Yep I'm Officially Old!  ☹

   I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me.

   If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   Woman are born to be the best liars and (man)ipulate you through their sympathy strategies

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.