Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   Laziness walks in my family

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead