Gabe Funny Status Messages

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   I was caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring until 2am...

   I'd make a swear jar but I don't have the type of income to keep up with my mouth...

   Ladies, just so you know, 'Mansplaining' is short for 'Man Explaining'...

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...