Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You know you've had a good wank when you have no idea where it landed.

   Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.

   What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.

   Ice cream never asks silly questions. Ice cream understands.

   When Kim heard Lamar got cut by the Mavs she probably texted Khloe the number of her divorce lawyer

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.

   Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)