Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bin Laden sees what BP's done, and he's like, "Man, I've got to step up my game."

   Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. The same was true in Transformers 1 and 2.

   Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."

   It's official: Sarah Palin has now written more books than she has read.

   You can watch things happen, you can make things happen, or you can wonder what just happened." ~ Phil Harris RIP

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else..

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Yes I'm going old and yes I'm going bold, I know because it's taking longer and longer for me to wash my face in the morning!

   Rated E for every one!!! wait.......

   I told my wife Ii wanted a cheeseburger for dinner, she told me to make it myself... Looks like I'm eating cereal.

   ► Play The Moments ▌▌ Pause The Memories ■ Stop The Pain ◄◄ Rewind The Happiness.

   2 eyes to see... 2 ears to hear... 2 hands to hold... 2 legs to walk... but 1 heart? Because the other was given to someone else... for us to find.

   Thoughts lead to words... Words lead to actions... Actions build your character... Your character determines your destiny.

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   Seashelled the neighbors house last night. Not quite the same effect as TP.