SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.

   Do you think they will have an end of the world sale?

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.