Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.