friday OR weekend Funny Status Messages

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   I hate when we go on a weekend trip and my wife forgets to pack her vagina.

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

   The first five days after the weekend are always hard.

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   I live every day like it's Friday the 13th.

   As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.