Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife....

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness...

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice...

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   you shouldn't let fear keep you from doing what's right.

   afraid of yellow crayons.

   1852 was a great year, they found the cure for stupidity .... a smith and wesson

   I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

   confesses he only watches "Dancing with The Stars" for the boobs.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

   Dont worry, if we do all die in 2012... at least Justin Beiber dies also ..