Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I love gas stations that sell fireworks, that's like prostitutes that sell rope and shovels

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   Michael Jackson has been dead a long time but moonwalking still makes people uncomfortable at children's parties.

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   Everything happens for a reason. For instance: You're on fire because I don't like you.