Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering... if my mom fell down in the woods would all the trees laugh?

   So if I get stopped by a cop in AZ and they ask me "Papers" and I respond "Scissors!", who wins?

   went in to Zoomers tonight for a pack of gum and the clerk asked if I had gas? I told her I did earlier but I was feeling fine now. Some people do not have a sense of humor

   A cop walks up to the car, " you know why I'm standing here?" "Because you got all C's in highschool?"

   Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

   If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

   I Didn't Marry You Because I Wanted To Live With You.., I Married You Because I Couldn't Live Without You...

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

   Ahhh...STRESS!! Cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go PLEASE

   wonders why when I see a pregnant woman and her man I picture them having sex???

   College: Producing the most educated alcoholics since 1892.

   I saw a status that said, "Facebook changes colours if you press 'Ctrl W'. Damn that was funny.. and it really Worked, TRY IT !!!

   remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit..

   is thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate !!

   ˙˙˙ǝʇıɹ ʇou ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq ˙˙˙ssǝןǝɹıʍ snʇɐʇs sıɥ ƃuıʇɐpdn sı

   "I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

   “Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember”

   I am blessed to have two beautiful kids. Thank god my wife cheated on me!!

   wonders why celebrities are so down with getting their pictures taken with them and their kids, yet you give them a relity show and the show revolves around their kids...

   Don't Think I Can't Live Without You.., I'll Leave You In The Water Like The Statue Of Liberty...