SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   For my birthday I got a pimp chalice (coffee mug), a jet pack (soda maker) and a Samurai sword (pen). Never give up on your dreams, people.

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'