Funny Status Messages

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   a group of 5 white basketball players is called a "loss"

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.