Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   What's another word for word?

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   Arguing about Facebook is so Myspace.

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?