Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

   her breakfast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didnt want, and water that I slipped birth control into....Who says chivalry is dead!!

   i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart

   hypothetical high five.... wait for it...... NICE!!

   going cow tipping in FarmVille...Don't say I didn't warn you...

   *When I m Studying parents dont see.When I takes a break parents- "why dont I ever see you study?"

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   not sure we're using this internet thingy properly. He just Googled 'Partridge Family Theme Song Lyrics' and got 97,000 pages that had them. Seriously? He thinks one page is quite enough. Maybe 2, for a backup in case one goes down.

   Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   suppose evolution is true,a million years from now we'll have oil producing fish.

   fighting crime at the source...i'm donating to Planned Parenthood.

   I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"

   do you really want Miracle Water made by Rev. Peter Popoff.com

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.

   Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!

   Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease, or in lamens terms, "the afteraffect of marriage."

   Everything in this world seems to be made for right handed people...it's so frustrating for someone like me who's underhanded.