Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.