Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"

   Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

   Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you.

   Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   Sorry, guys. Totally forgot to write any New Years jokes. I really dropped the ball.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.