friday OR weekend Funny Status Messages

   On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.

   I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.

   A total of 11 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   BREAKING: White House informs the public of excess bread in America resulting from a lack of sandwiches being made this weekend.

   Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   Obama is at a All Male Gay resort this weekend. True story.

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.