Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One should always be in love, this is the reason one should never marry

   It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)

   After Arizona's new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns managing partner denounced the new law and said "it was wrong". So, me and 4 friends went to the game without a ticket, and got kicked out. If he liked the law, he should have let us stay.

   Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.

   Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent....

   Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.

   What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.

   Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again