SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.