CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   You knew how I chew when you agreed to marry me.

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.