SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   There are no rules for Holiday Family Fight Club, just a series of passive-aggressive statements.

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?