SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   I went to the garage today to unpack Christmas decorations. I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give the kids. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten.

   I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.

   One would think it impossible for Turkey Jerky to actually taste as revolting as it sounds. One would be wrong.

   I wish the phrase “I had my tree flocked” was as dirty as it sounds.

   What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?

   Watch out, I'm in just the mood to steal someone's armadillo today.

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.