Baddie Funny Status Messages

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   We're sorry, but this funny p0st is not available from your country.

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.

   People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.