Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Erectile disfunction commercials make watching TV with your parents akward!!!

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   wondering if pediatricians and children's dentists play miniature golf on Wednesdays...

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   Just got my Sketcher shape-ups now I'm gonna get in shape without ever going to the gym

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window