aaron Funny Status Messages

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving

   I feel most at one with my phone when I can see that it's desperately searching too.

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....