SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.

   "That wasn't eggnog!" is a popular thing to yell this time of year, but I'm trying real hard not to yell it much.

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?

   My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   The House of Representatives should be replaced with a mix of carnies, some Wayans, a few Pilates teachers, & the Oakland A's.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.