Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me

   I'm nothing like this generation. I just live in it.

   Sorry for drunk texting last night. And this morning. And right now.

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.