Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

   Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.