thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.