mike Funny Status Messages

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   The bad thing about aging is that sooner or later, "bust a move" turns into "bust a hip."

   ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material"

   I wish I could say it"s nice to see Michael Bolton working again, but it's really not. Thanks Honda.

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?

   Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   The only way to make soccer interesting is if they could pick up the ball and throw it...

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   How the heck can people get so excited over a game that can end in a tie? Is it gratifying when you're kissing your sister as well?

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   I hope the MVP has his shots up to date. Disneyland is dangerous nowadays!

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.