jake Funny Status Messages

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.

   My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   If the people I come in contact with daily could read my mind I'd get punch in the face alot.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   If you could cross a centipede with a turkey you would have enough turkey legs for everyone.