Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.

   I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood