SEAN Funny Status Messages

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   Good men of this country fought and died to defend my right not to care about British royalty

   They deployed on Osama the minute he "checked in" to the mansion.... Well played Facebook.......

   Just found out my "Sleep Number" is good Old Number 7 good ole Jack Daniels

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   so this lady is buying a birthday card and diet suppliments, cant help but wonder if these items are not related or if she's just a b!tch