M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   If I ever become epileptic, I'm going to get a tattoo that reads Carpe Diem....for the irony....

   If I had to do it all over again, I'd have studied in school...OR tucked it like lady gaga and snorted everything like charlie sheen...society makes the ladder more appealing....

   does anyone know where I am right now? Seriously...bring asprin if you do...

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   I truly believe that the key difference between men and women, is that a man can break a woman's heart, but a woman will sh!t IN a man's heart...

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….

   NEVER trust a leprechaun who tells you that you can rub off a little “luck of the Irish”….the only happy ending will be his…..

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   When the hell did my delusions of grandeur, turn into delusions of adequacy?!?

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….

   I'm going to take a much needed break from reality, so I'm logging off, and getting some work done...

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”