JOser Funny Status Messages

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   "Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20

   Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   today is 4-20! ...like I had to tell you... sit back .relax. and show some love :)

   They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.