Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...