Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!