CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   Somebody stop the INTERNET, I want to get off!

   Safe word? It's more likely that you will need a white flag

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   Take me seriously at your own risk.