Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.

   I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   Get married, you're gonna die anyways.

   And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.

   I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.