aaron Funny Status Messages

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   I'm really lucky that I was born on my birthday.

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.