SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   Bad News: On a test run last night, Santa was sucked into the engine of a Russian military jet & turned into red mist.

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   When you grow up you get better gifts for being naughty.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   Practicing random acts of kindness at the mall. Like holding doors open. Then tripping anyone who doesn't thank me.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Whipped cream in a pie tin is not a pie. Stop wasting our time, clowns.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.