SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!