Funny Status Messages
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles. 
On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....
Kevin Ware will be signing autographs at ihop tomorrow.
I have been thoroughly researching the native Potatoes of Couch and have become part of their tribe.
This just in..... 2 white males in shootout in Atlanta
Any time I listen to Charles Barkley commentate, I struggle to determine if he is talking about a basketball game or the lunch crowd at Burger King.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.
Just admit when you're wrong, people will respect you so much more for it
You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%.
Bet if a gunman opened fire while Obama was onstage yesterday....he would use them as human shields!! Kinda like he is doing now!!
BBC: North Korea's Kim Jong Un threatening nuclear attack against US. CNN: North Korea may be a nuclear threat. Fox News: Obama causing problems with North Korea
If I ever fall onto the bar stool next to you and give you an exaggerated wink and a Fat Albert "Hey hey hey!", rest assured you got hit on.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn't live in glass houses.
While Everyone Was Kung Fu Fighting, I went out and bought a gun.
B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.
I'll go back to FB when they replace that "poke" button with a "spank" button.
One good thing about Twitter is that it keeps all annoying people away from Facebook.
Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough. 