SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   Sam Adams is the only reason I know what season it is.

   Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.

   Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.

   I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.