Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? “If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!”

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   It's a good thing I have Facebook. Otherwise I'd be doing something dumb right now like being efficient at my job.