CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   I'm at my most popular when I just want to be alone.

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   I tried being myself once... I got arrested.

   Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.

   A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.

   Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.

   Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Nothing has ever bothered me more than when a math question ended with “how many people does it take?” and your answer had a fraction.